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Stories from somewhere

by PJ Liguori

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1.
If I had a jet pack, I'd circle into space, with roller-blades on my feet and pencils in my hands. But skating on the moon is better in the morning, and I feel better when I am drawing So I'll draw myself a picture a rainbow tailed dinosaur and I'll put him in a bowl and fill the bowl with milk suddenly everything seems so much calmer cats wearing bow ties having tea with a llama seems great and even though I'm running late to such a rad party I don't seem to mind that it's already started. My attire isn't fitting I think there was a theme I must have misplaced the invitation that explained everything so I fire up the jet-pack and head back home but when I arrive to my dismay all my friends have gone oh no I think to myself I'll draw up some more but all my pencils are broken and I left my paper on the moon what a disaster
2.
So the original idea behind this concept was to write something for you for your birthday, and I'm hoping that my lyrics will get across to you and be displayed in some hilarious array, Now that you understand what I'm trying to achieve and we've got all of that out the way, It leaves me with the minor issue of having no idea of what exactly I should say. “yay, you're 20 years old now!” which is an alright age I guess, and I'm only saying that because I've already been 20 and I really do have to confess, that I've found nothing really changes, you're not making any real progress, 18 you can drink, 16 you can fuck, 20 you kinda feel like you're a little bit stuck. But its not all bad and if you just thought I was being completely pessimistic, I'm honestly not, this is just my outlook on life, I'm only being realistic, but hey it's your special day, well that's what your parents lead you to believe, it's just a day closer to death, well at least that's how it seems to me, and I was going to buy you a present then I realised it'd just be some dumb old crap, some junk you'd enjoy momentarily, with the worry of having to unwrap, which is another point actually, why do people persist to wrap presents these days? Building tension, creating suspension, not to mention feeling retention, yeah, you heard me, I always buy gifts that I want to keep for myself, but again, its just some old crap that would end up at the back of my shelf, And with that I'll leave you alone to enjoy the rest of your birthday in peace, I hope this hasn't soiled our friendship, if anything your like towards me should increase, unless you didn't like the song, then I guess I'll have to leave you alone forever, well, that's pretty much it. Same time next year I guess or whatever.
3.
Pencil Tooth 02:02
Whats it like having pencils for teeth do you get much work done hows it like having marbles for eyeballs and hair fashioned out of gum I know you live in a house made of paper and have a leather pouch for a lung your legs are made from tins and cans so where the hell are you from? I know you've seen the bottom of the ocean I know you've travelled through space I know you stand out a bit on this planet but my what a pretty face Where did you get those pointed ears I'd be interested in a pair myself I stole these pencils from a mathematician and these ears from an elf and I 'spose you're gonna go ahead and tell me you took that gum from some children It was as easy as stealing candy from a baby so I guess that makes me a villain Oh me oh my this guy is a killer oh me oh my watch out for his stinger oh me oh my just wait til the winter oh me oh my pencil tooth's a killer Pencil tooth's a killer Pencil tooth's a killer watch out watch out watch out watch out watch out he's a killer he'll steal your marbles and your sweets he'll steal your ears in pairs he'll rummage through your garbage and he won't even care Oh me oh my this guy is a killer oh me oh my watch out for his stinger oh me oh my just wait til the winter oh me oh my pencil tooth's a killer
4.
My dad 01:34
My dad's great he has a thousand arms and a thousand legs my dad's really great he can snap tree trunks like feeble twigs and my dads really really great he's the strongest guy that I know my dads really super great he reeks awesome from head to toe he'd teach me things back in the day valuable things like how to play super mario brothers on the snes metroid, kirby and links adventures, were ours. My dad's great he's a super hero in disguise My dad's really great he generally doesn't even need to try Because he's really really great he's the fastest man in the world and he's super awesomely great his hands are so big that he can hold a million and one things in one palm and a million in the other palm and then juggle them around as if it's no trouble at all, and it's really not. My dad's great I hope he lives til he's 100,000 years old My dad's really great I don't think that he'll ever go bald My dad's really really great he can build a house out of toothpicks My dad's really fantastically great his eyes turn clay into bricks and in my eyes he's invincible which I guess might not seem so sensible cause everyone's power star's due to run out some day but that doesn't mean he's any less great, than what he is. My dad's great My dad's really great My dad's really really great My dad's really superbly awesomely super fantastically great
5.
when i was at sea many years ago, an octopus tried to drown my boat all 8 eyes were locked on me, the sea was black and it tried to squeeze and my face turned blue, and my head spun around and my feet weren't even touching the ground I thought this was it, I was going to die my heart slowed down, I was feeling kinda high why would I make up such a lie have you seen your life flash before your eyes? and It's not that I couldn't sleep that night getting a wink or two would have been a delight it's not the end but it wasn't the beginning it certainly wasn't preferential treatment. I was knocked right off my sea legs by the waves that were bigger than my home And I tried to recover in a shelter that I found so deep down on the bed of the ocean my arms had became fins and my legs stuck together feeling kinda frozen what had I become? You could be the king of Nazareth bathed in the golden sands of heaven Stand strong by the pillars of Hercules surrounded by a thousand henchman But either way, your mind may sway you're still going home tonight a loser with a story if you're brave enough to slide through time then you still going home tonight a loser with a story and everything I've been through I guess I just look like a loser with a story (I'm just a loser with a story)
6.
we armed ourselves with wooden spoons took all the pillows out from our rooms and built the best fort that you could ever find except it was a secret fort that you'd never find We ventured forth into the loft Our adventure had begun the attic is such a scary place it's a scary place to be one time we climbed inside to see whatever we could see Sophie said we'd be mad to go Louis said he was raring to go James also said the same and such and Jamie didn't really say very much because the attic is such a scary place it was a scary place to be so one time we climbed up inside to see what we could see where were all the monsters where were all the ghouls (GHOULS AND GOBLINS GHOULS AND GOBLINS) where was all the treasure where were all the jewels (GHOULS AND GOBLINS GHOULS AND GOBLINS) it's a scary place to be on your own but so are most places to be on your own the attic is such a scary place it's a scary place to be one time we climbed inside to see whatever we could see where were all the monsters where were all the ghouls where was all the treasure where were all the jewels Where were the spiders Where were the clowns Where are all the scary things upstairs in our house Where were the moblins Where were the ghosts and the scary evil toaster That made evil toast Where's my Nintendo Where's my Sega Where's my Atari Where's my Amiga All hidden in the attic The scariest place to be similar to the time we climbed inside to see whatever we could see the attic is like totally the scariest place I've ever step foot but the storage space is great so I can't really complain on that level
7.
All my friends are dead yes that's right they're dead one day we were hanging out by the river and the sun started to get bigger and bigger I said “hey Steve would you look at that” He said “oh god I'm looking at that” It was a giant flaming ball of magma a phantasmic ball of glowing plasma And then it destroyed all of my friends all of my very best friends and the rest just became a chunk of history and now our existence is a mystery All my friends are dead yes that's right they're dead they're very very dead extinct, wiped out and dead
8.
Powls 00:57
A wise owl once stopped me and perched upon my shoulder he said “I know whats in your pocket boy, I spied it from a distance” He wasn't wrong, he knew the facts he had his beady eyes on me although I turned and shrugged to him and pleaded innocently if he even as much as nibbled this bread that sat inside my jeans his feathers would turn to wool and grow poles out then end of his wings This here's my secret supply I said in case of emergencies and by that point I realised, now was a better time than any To shove the bread right down my throat and make a quick get away so I did just that, and my legs turned to poles a thousand feet in the sky I had a beard made out of clouds and I never wanted to go back because I finally got some peace and quiet and a place where I could relax and think about all the groovy things that I wanted to do like skip and write and draw and eat just to name a few so with my head up there in the clouds I dozed off for just a little while and dreamt about all the awesome people and things that make me smile
9.
Kingdom 01:13
My kingdom, is over run with creepers and crawlers ugly, messy, smelly, hungry spreepers and sprawlers frogsnarks hopping, hopping around, buffalopes stomping and smashing up the ground, Zebrats flying and hanging upsidown, piggoos mooching all over the town. Cowrems rambling, and grazing the grass, hoblephants waiting under the overpass, liobanes pouncing on the unsuspecting children, havocrays buzzing and purring like an engine, My Kingdom is over run with creepers and crawlers (OH GOD) sneaking, spying, spraying, lying, dreepers and droolers. Monkbees swinging, spudding up the streets, a million kangareeps with a million fluffy feets, pandaduds eating our food supply, watching all the llamaru trot on by, I'm counting out the sandgoose two by twos, but ya gotta be quick or they'll eat your shoes. Whaleroars screaming and tearing up the place, freaky looking muledogs with half a face! My Kingdom is over run with creepers and crawlers (OH GOD) when will this stop when will this end oh greepers and gruelers (OH MY) My kingdom reduced to ashes and rubble heepers and hoolers (GO HOME) So much destruction so much trouble bleepers and bloopers (OH GOD)

about

a collection of short stories from somewhere.

credits

released October 7, 2011

massive thanks to Maddy Vian for designing my album cover for me, she's awsum!

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all rights reserved

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about

PJ Liguori UK

hey, I'm PJ, also known as kickthepj across the internet. here's some music stuff that leaked from my head.

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